Fear and pumping in Somerset

On this sunniest of bank holidays, filled with food and friends, I have been slightly preoccupied with thoughts about my parenting; in particular worries about feeding. As I sit and write this post the now familiar and oddly comforting drone of the breast pump is my sonic backdrop (as it has been for most if not all if my posts so far). As a result of mini man not ever getting the hang of breast feeding, I have spent the last three months expressing his milk for him and bottle feeding. To begin with I found it upsetting to think that I could not do this most natural thing of feeding my own child as nature had intended but (as I am fast learning) each day delivers a fresh new worry...what if I'm not feeding him enough; what if my milk dries up; what if I selfishly decide to stop expressing and switch to formula? Of course I realise that this is neurotic and that little man will be wonderfully fine whatever I decide but it did make me think that we need to be honest about our choices and our experiences so that we can hold our heads up and say confidently that we do not judge how others decide to bring up their children. 

I do not mind admitting that I really did not enjoy the first week and a half of parenthood...I couldn't breast feed, cup feeding, as anyone who has ever had to do it will tell you is a nightmare, the hormones make you feel the lowest, deepest kind of unhappiness, and all when you are supposed to be feeling your most content. This all prevented me from having any kind of gushing rush of maternal love for my child, but of course none  of these reasons actually matter. My point is that I should not need to justify or explain it but that being honest enough to say that I did not enjoy my initial experience of motherhood it is what matters. I met a woman at lunch today who was honest enough to admit to not being maternal and that for her breast feeding for three months was more than enough (something that some, the current medical establishment included, would disagree wholeheartedly with). It was refreshing to hear this said without guilt or agenda.

It sounds so obvious to say, so obvious in fact that I have nearly deleted this post several times, but whatever is right or wrong, enjoyable or downright hellish for you is OK. But most importantly it is also OK to admit and talk about it.